Horse jokes..
Feb. 3rd, 2006 03:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
arwen_lune"Most people are unaware of the large number of horses who are survivors of alien abduction. I have found that repressed memories of such abductions are the primary cause of trailering difficulties. There are also horses unfairly labeled 'spooky,' when their behavior is actually an appropriate response to poltergeist activity."
New Year's Resolutions for Horses
I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can.
I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
I will NOT bite my furrier's butt just because it is there.
I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile radius.
I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while a human is mucking my stall.
I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a bicycle.
I will understand that bicycles are NOT carnivorous.
I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
I accept that not every carrot is for me.
(yeah, right...)
A Letter from Your Horse
(original sappy version:)
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax. When you are short-tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short-sighted, let me teach you to see. When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene. When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things. When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you. After all, I am your horse.
And now, the REAL DEAL....................
When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in them thar woods and we need to leave NOW!
When you are short-tempered, let me teach you to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.
When you are short-sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you that herbivores kick much faster and harder than omnivores.
When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet because I don't feel like cantering on my right lead today.
When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.
When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. Remember how I told you about those lions in them thar woods?
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 lbs of "YAHOO LETS GO!" can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast, snack and dinner.
When you are tired, don't forget the 600 lbs of grain that needs to be unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services".
When you want to learn, hang around - I'll learn ya!
New Year's Resolutions for Horses
I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can.
I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
I will NOT bite my furrier's butt just because it is there.
I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile radius.
I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while a human is mucking my stall.
I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a bicycle.
I will understand that bicycles are NOT carnivorous.
I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
I accept that not every carrot is for me.
(yeah, right...)
A Letter from Your Horse
(original sappy version:)
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax. When you are short-tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short-sighted, let me teach you to see. When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene. When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things. When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you. After all, I am your horse.
And now, the REAL DEAL....................
When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in them thar woods and we need to leave NOW!
When you are short-tempered, let me teach you to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.
When you are short-sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you that herbivores kick much faster and harder than omnivores.
When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet because I don't feel like cantering on my right lead today.
When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.
When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. Remember how I told you about those lions in them thar woods?
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 lbs of "YAHOO LETS GO!" can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast, snack and dinner.
When you are tired, don't forget the 600 lbs of grain that needs to be unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services".
When you want to learn, hang around - I'll learn ya!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Hehe
Date: 2006-02-03 06:12 pm (UTC)Oh, that was lovely.
When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in them thar woods and we need to leave NOW!
Dogs do this too. Think they're league with the horses? :)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-03 07:01 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-03 09:56 pm (UTC)CCA